Letters to the Editor, Opinions

How to get everyone at college to like you

Move in day

If you see someone moving-in, ask if they need help (and pray to God they say “No,” because who wants to do that?). If they say “No,” then you’re off the hook. If they say “Yes,” then they probably aren’t afraid of getting coronavirus, so you definitely shouldn’t get near them ever again – but for now you’ll look like a nice person for helping them move. 

If you have neighbors in your hallway, try to introduce yourself. If you keep knocking nonstop on your neighbor’s door to say hello, then they’ll open up eventually. Persistence is always admired. 

If you see a student giving their parents that final goodbye hug, join them. Even call their mom and dad your mom and dad, or even mommy and daddy. No, of course you don’t need to know who they are. Your presence and consolation are all that matter during this emotional time. 

Being a community leader

If you see your neighbor break a dorm rule, report it to the Residential Assistant. Then tell that same neighbor that you saw the other neighbor snitch on them to the RA. Then the RA and the neighbor both end up owing you one for your “candor.” This is also my strategy if I ever get on Survivor. It’s called: “Backstabbing like a little weasel.” 

Dining discourse

Don’t ask someone if you can sit with them while you eat. Instead go up to them, sit down and start eating their food with your hands (all while looking them dead in the eye). Sharing is caring, after all. 

Life of the party

If you come back from a car ride, make sure to do it at 4 a.m. while you play some Chief Keef in the car. On the loudest volume. With the windows open. Then yell, “The party never ends!” Your neighbors will wake up, say, “Oh shit, that’s right!” and then run outside to go party with you. 

Toilet training

Pull some benign, harmless pranks on your hallmates. One of my personal favorites is called, “Grabbing someone’s head and making them drink toilet water” 

Another good bathroom prank: If someone is taking a shower, steal their student ID card. They’ll think your prank is so funny that they forget you embarrassed them and left them in the hallway in nothing but their towel. 

Eat as much food from Chipotle as you can. Then clog all the toilets to the best of your abilities. The cleaning staff will thank you for not letting them get bored. Now remember, this one can be a good, all-inclusive bonding activity. 

Walk around the bathroom fully nude; it’ll invite your hall mates to express themselves as well. 

Romance in the dorms

If you don’t live on the first floor, stomp as loudly as you can. That cute inhabitant on the floor below will hear the thumping and think you’re a great dancer, and will definitely ask you out. 

You can also score that date by trying pickup lines on the people in your dorm – because awkward interactions after hitting on someone or being hit on are always the best,especially if those interactions happen at least twice a day. Here are some of the pickup lines I’ve used in the past, along with the other person’s response for clarification: 

Me: “Hey –” 

Them: “No.” 

If you see one of your neighbors bring someone in their room to hook up, don’t freak out. Stand right in front of their door and start making moaning sounds. It’ll help them perform, kind of like in “Midsommar.”

All of these tips have worked for me; my hallmates love me so much that they’ve gathered outside my dorm room right now. I’m not sure what the pitchforks and torches are for, though. Medieval-themed party? “Peasant Bros and Noble Hoes?

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