How to stay sane during spring quarantine

So you just heard the news that our spring semester will be online. It’s rough stuff, I agree. But don’t get too stressed out just yet, because I wrote a book for this very occasion.

 It’s a list of tips and tricks on how to remain healthy for these times, and it’s your lucky day because I’m going to show you a sneak peak.

Before we begin, let’s agree that by clicking on an article with the words “How to stay sane” in the headline, you’ve just admitted that you’re on the brink of losing it. Now that we got that out of the way, here’s some of the best tips from my novel:

Tip #1: Try and get a normal amount of sleep. Quarantine can cause your sleep schedule to shift up and down, so be careful. Hopefully your classes or work will keep you on a normal-enough routine.

Tip #2: Put your cooking skills to the test. Whether it’s cookies for the whole family or avocado toast for yourself, the options of recipes you can try to master are almost unlimited.

Tip #5: Try new things, like masturbating. This may sound like a weird one, but sometimes it eliminates stress. This is indeed a zany subject, so it’s all up to you if you want to try. 

Tip #12: Try meditating. It can calm you down after a long day of work, exercising or whatever it is you do. I can assure you that you will become a new person if you give it time. You could become calmer and more acute with your senses—or you’ll experience none of this and lose the schedule after a few days like I did.

Tip #17: Don’t do drugs. There’s a high chance you might get addicted.

Tip #18: Maybe drugs aren’t that bad.

Tip #33: Stay hydrated. I hate the hypocrisy of some people getting headaches. They stay at their homes all day, yet are still dehydrated because they’re too lazy to get up and get some water. I’ll finish writing this tip after I take some Advil. I have a headache and think I’m dehydrated. 

Tip #45: Force yourself to masturbate a few times a week. It’ll get the ideas flowing. Whether you’re pretending you’re with your boo or going full-on “The Shape of Water” and pretending to be with a sardine, you gotta do what you got to do.

Tip #52: Stay in touch with family members. Sometimes this can be boring, but they’d love to hear from you. Probably. I don’t know your family.

Tip #88: Movies aren’t always a bad idea. If you’ve done all of your work for the day then there’s nothing wrong with a little R&R. My suggestion is to make it a family-friendly movie that’ll take the stress off your mind with uplifting fun and jokes. Some good examples are “Seven”, “The Descent”, and “Boogie Nights”. All are rated PG. You don’t need to look them up.

Tip #91: Masurbate at least twice a day.

Tip #99: Stay social. A lack of social interaction can erode your mental health. This means talk to someone other than your body pillow, Gary.

Tip #103: You can never masturbate too much.

Tip #114: Find a new hobby. Maybe try sewing, painting, drawing, etc. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a new hidden talent.

Tip #120: Of course I’m not on drugs. Why would you insinuate that?

Tip #121: Does anyone else see that dragon? 

Tip #146: Try to take a break from TV. One of the things I do instead of watching TV is lay on a yoga mat, do some crunches, lay down in exhaustion, then get distracted and watch more TV.

Tip #147: If you are gonna watch TV, I’ll remind you that there’s more movies and shows out there than just Netflix in case you’ve been hanging around your basic ass friends too much and forgot. All I’m saying is there’s a reason “Succession” beat “Stranger Things” for the Best Drama Emmy. 

Tip #155: Apparently there is in fact such a thing as “masturbating too much.” My bad.

Tip #172: Eat healthy. Desserts can be easy to succumb to when you’re in your house all day, but they’re also super bad for you. You’ll gain weight. You’ll get acne. You’ll poop three times as often. You’ll start sounding like Jar Jar Binks. You’ll go bald. Your partner will break up with you. You’ll fall into a state of depression and madness. You’ll then shave your head,if you aren’t already bald and think about assassinating a politician. 

After that you’ll meet this underage hooker and try to help her out. She doesn’t listen to you, so you take matters into your own hands. You buy a vast amount of guns and kill her pimp and all the bad guys where she lives. So what if that’s just the plot for “Taxi Driver”? He wasn’t even addicted to sugar in that movie, so imagine how bad it would be if he was. 

Tip #200: Don’t read an article about staying sane if it was written by an insane person. I probably should’ve started with this one. Oh well.

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