How to start the spring semester off strong

Did you have some mojo going for you last semester that you don’t want to lose? Are you afraid this semester will be significantly worse? Or was last semester bad enough, and you want to make this semester the better half of the year?

Not to worry, this guide will help you with any of these scenarios. Let’s reflect on what you did wrong last semester with some constructive criticism.

Remember when it took you more than a month to realize that some people had more than one class with you, since you zoned out any time someone other than the teacher was talking? Pay attention to your classmates! They can help you later on in that class, or in other classes.

How about that time when you logged into a very serious Zoom call with your background being a picture of O’Hare from “The Lorax”? Yeah… make sure you know what your backgrounds are before going into any type of Zoom meeting. Usernames too, so you don’t enter as “Deez nuts.”

Or when your teacher called you out in front of the whole class because you were trying to get a good picture on Snapchat, so you raised your phone, thus revealing to your class you were distracted while smiling like an imbecile? Jeez, at least lower the phone if you’re gonna do that this semester.

What about when you accidentally left your camera on and your teacher clearly saw you go on your phone with absolutely no regards to what they were saying? Then everyone saw you awkwardly realize you were on Zoom so, after finally noticing, you just peculiarly stared into the camera at the class while slowly reaching to turn the camera off? And it was extra embarrassing because it was the same class and teacher as the previous scenario? This stuff is hard to keep track of sometimes, but try your best to limit your phone use in classes—or just remember to turn your camera off.

Don’t forget that time when you lost about five minutes of your life after panicking because you thought you left your camera on when you were just in your underwear. Another camera incident that will be inevitable. Don’t be the first one to turn this into a reality.

In addition to leaving your camera on, do you recall accidentally turning your camera on in a breakout room when you were shirtless while eating breakfast? And you looked like a mess because you didn’t shower or shave that morning, plus you spilled Froot Loops and milk all over yourself? Then you had to ask all the members of that breakout room if they saw you, leading to the unfortunate conclusion that they all did. I would also say don’t be the first to turn this one into a reality, but considering I already did that I’ll say don’t be the second.

There’s also that time when you slept through your classes because instead of getting out of bed, you just yeeted yourself onto the floor to get your computer, then sluggishly crawled back to bed like a hermit crab going into its shell. Then within about five minutes of turning your computer on you dozed off faster than Garfield after eating an unhealthy amount of lasagna. If that caused a lot of classes to be slept through, then maybe try going to class in a different part of your room, or a different room in general. I wouldn’t recommend the bathroom, though. Zoom in the bathroom is a dangerous game—play at your own risk.

Oh yeah, remember when you heard one of your classmate’s horrible audio and you were really confused why it was so bad? Like, it was so bad it was worthy of being made fun of? And then the same thing happened to you because your computer is the Kyrie Irving of computers, it just doesn’t work anymore, so the audio randomly stopped working, and then you had to call-in with your phone like it’s a giveaway on the radio? So then just as you started to think everything was going back to normal, you soon realized that your classmates were telling you your audio sounded like if someone was being murdered by an out-of-tune guitar? Like I said before, this stuff is gonna happen. So when it does, try to not make it like this scenario.

Also, don’t forget when you got another scare from Zoom after talking shit about one of your annoying classmates and then thinking your mic was on. No, not that classmate. Yes, I know you talked a lot of shit about that classmate too. I’m talking about the other one from that one class. Yeah, that one. Phew, glad the mic wasn’t on. I know it’s so hard to resist literally yelling at the computer since there’s no one else in your room, so it would probably be better to limit that. I’m not saying don’t yell at your computer at all, you can do it a little if it keeps you sane.

Now remember, these actions are very specific. Even if they didn’t happen to you, keep in mind that they totally can, and have definitely happened to other people in your classes. What do you mean, “Did these all happen to the author?” Of course not! None of them. Well, maybe one or two, tops… Okay, maybe more like 90% of them did. If you ever do something embarrassing over Zoom, just remember we’ve all been there.

Especially the author. Good luck this semester!

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