A universal feeling is when you get that pit in your stomach when you realize you’ve done something wrong and there’s nothing you can do to take it back. Well, I get that every time the words, “I’m sorry,” leave my mouth.
Sitting in my Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies class at CSULB, my professor addressed the whole class on the first day, telling us to stop using “sorry” and apologizing so much in class and our everyday lives.
Ever since that day, this idea of not saying sorry stuck with me and made me start thinking of the words I used in conversation. Did I say sorry too often?
Women tend to apologize, a lot. And for what you may ask? Literally almost everything and anything. Sometimes even for things that don’t even need an apology.
Need to share a thought during a meeting? “I’m sorry, can I interrupt?” Someone needs to get their job done? “I’m sorry, could you get that back to me by the end of the day?” Someone bumps into you on the sidewalk? “Oh, I’m sorry.” You bump into an inanimate object like a table? “Ah, I’m sorry.”
Women apologize for absolutely everything and it has to stop. But why is it that women tend to over-apologize? Do men apologize just as frequently but we just do not notice?
According to a study co-written by Karina Schumann, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, women do apologize more often than men. Not because men aren’t willing to apologize, but women who apologize tend to admit to more wrong.
“If [men] think they’ve done something wrong they seem to be just as willing as women are [to apologize] but they just don’t think that they’ve done as many things wrong,” Schumann said on the Women at Work podcast.
“They’re perceiving fewer offenses than women are and women rate the exact same offenses as being more severe and therefore are more willing to apologize for those offenses,” she said.
We could clump this habit with all the other societal norms that have been unwillingly pressured onto women, like how we should always be polite and not raise our voices. It is a habit that many women have a hard time breaking free from.
“Some women are worried about hurting people’s feelings and causing offense,” said Rachel Green, a psychologist from The Emotional Intelligence Institute in an interview with ABC News.
“It does depend on the level of confidence of the woman, how they have been brought up, their cultural background, their religious background, their personality type, and what role they are in,” Green said.
Even though all these aspects can influence the constant use of the word “sorry,” it doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t say it if it’s appropriate or necessary. What we do have to change is the use of “sorry,” being the way women try to express concern.
“It’s one of many learned elements of conversational style that girls often use to establish rapport,” said Deborah Tannen, author and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, in Harvard Business Review.
“Ritual apologies – like other conversational rituals – work well when both parties share the same assumptions about their use,” Tannen said. “But people who utter frequent ritual apologies may end up appearing weaker, less confident, and literally more blameworthy than people who don’t.”
Using these ritual apologies also starts affecting women in the workplace. A leader at a corporation or organization can’t constantly take the blame and apologizing for everything that is done.
This old habit has to die fast and soon. It is a form of minimizing oneself and their work. Women have to start owning what they say and accomplish without being apologetic about it.
Sally Helgesen, author and women’s leadership consultant said on the Women at Work podcast that instead of starting all of our sentences with “sorry”, we should replace them with “thank you.”
Replacing “sorry” with “thank you” gives a sense of intention to the sentence. It directs the attention to the other person and not yourself.
For example, “I’m sorry I’m a minute late,” is not the same as “Thank you for waiting for me.”
The blame isn’t taken by you. Instead, it acknowledges the person for their patience, and still meets that concern that women try to convey when saying sorry.
Changing the ritual apologies will make women appear stronger and more confident in what they’re saying. This will gain us more success not only in the workplace but also as individuals with logical statements, opinions, and overall speaking with intention.
The next time I say “sorry,” I’m hoping it is with intention, and that pit in my stomach will eventually go away and I will feel more confident in what I’m saying. I hope other women do too.