Whenever I fill out an application where I’m asked to put down my race, my parents always said to label myself as white.
They aren’t wrong. My dad is Italian-American and both of his parents were born in the United States.
But the thing is, my mom is Mexican.
She was born and raised in Zacatecas, then moved to the United States in the 1980s for a chance at a better life. There is a part of me that denies that history and culture every time I check off that white options box.
As a child, I was raised in a community that was predominantly white and visited my grandparents in Sacramento, focusing more on American culture and values.
From this, however, I never learned Spanish nor did I really connect with my family that lived in Mexico. Although I visited when I was 6 years old, I remembered always having to rely on my mom for translation.
There are still moments of missing out and relying on others to this day. Having to grab coworkers at my retail job to help out guests who only speak Spanish. Missing out on conversations coworkers have with each other in Spanish makes me feel alone and so out of place.
That lack of connection sometimes makes me feel like I’m a fraud in my identity.
I should know the language. I should understand my culture and history. I should experience a world that is different from the one I’m familiar with.
There was some integration between both cultures, as Mexican food has always been a part of family meals. But that is so small compared to what I should know.
Why put so much pressure on myself? Shouldn’t I just be happy with my current lifestyle?
Being multiracial is a gift. It means being able to have more experiences in different cultures, opening the door to opportunities both in my personal life and my profession. Something that does help me through these emotions is knowing that there are others that are probably in the same situation.
According to the 2020 United States Census Bureau, just over 10% of Americans are multiracial, with 19.2 million of them being white and some other race.
My childhood was enjoyable and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I wish I could have had more growth. There is still time for me to embrace this other half. I still have the ability to grow and learn so many things about my Mexican culture and myself.
It’s already started at my job. Many of my coworkers have taught me more about my roots, from things like holiday traditions to phrases and sentences.
Although this feeling may linger within me as I try to grow, I know that this work will help lead me to my true self.