When I was a little girl, just like almost every other kid in the world, I feared the moment when my parents would kiss me goodnight and turn off the lights. My monster did not live in my closet; my imagination grew wild when I was left to nothing but my thoughts and fears.
I never saw a monster but the anxious buildup of possible danger was enough for me. In the midst of what I thought were the worst nights of my life, I only knew one way to protect myself in the dark. My illogical reasoning convinced me that hiding under my blanket would fend off any monster.
As we grow up, I think we continue to find illogical ways to protect ourselves from our fears.
In my teenage years, I realized I was only afraid to go out at night if my father was not there. I started to pay more attention and realized that my mother had the same fear.
I think many women might know what I am talking about. Whether you are holding your keys in between your fingers, calling a family member or constantly checking your surroundings as if someone is out to get you.
All these things became normal to me because I have seen women on the news who were harassed on the street.
One evening on my way to work, a stranger who looked around 40 approached me at the bus stop. I was 18 and confused as to why this man was asking me for a date. I said no thank you.
I learned from other girls’ stories that it is important to not make men angry because you never know how they will react. Even after my polite decline, he insisted and I remember the moment I felt unsafe.
“I’ve been watching you for a while,” he said.
I do not remember anything he said after that because my fear would not let me. I have adopted even more small actions to protect myself in the dark.
I look underneath my car when I approach it, I never touch anything that is left on my car, I immediately lock the doors when I get in my car and I do all this while also remembering the basics I learned as a teenager.
I have had many great experiences going out at night. These include driving along the beach with the windows down while listening to Taylor Swift, going out for dinner with my friends and driving around with my little sister to different beaches in search of bioluminescence.
As I grew older, I discovered that nighttime is my favorite time of day. That is not despite the dark, it is because of it.
We live in a world that is statistically more unsafe for women. In 2019, a national survey was conducted called Measuring #MeToo. The survey revealed that 71% of women have experienced sexual harassment in a public space.
I have watched how many girls and women walk through life, light or dark and survive. The resilience I see day-to-day is inspiring and it’s led me to decide to not let my fear deprive me of living life.