It was nearly take-off. He propped his legs up in the vacant row of seats, ready for a long flight.
A young woman pardoned her tardiness and plopped in the seat next to him. He couldn’t help but stare. She was beautiful.
They chatted the whole flight. Two years later, wedding bells chimed – at least, that was how Cal State Long Beach sociology professor Oliver Wang said he imagined meeting his wife.
In reality, he went on a date with a girl from Craigslist before meeting his wife via email in 1997. They were coast-to-coast pen pals for two years.
“Meeting someone online isn’t any less story-worthy,” said Wang.
Online dating, which was less common when Wang met his wife two decades ago, is becoming a social standard amongst millennials.
According to the Pew Research Center, 27 percent of 18 to 24-year-olds have used online dating. Their interest nearly tripled from 10 percent in 2013. Compared to their parents and grandparents, millennials are the most active online dating age group.
“When enough people engage in it as a critical mass, it becomes normalized,” Wang said.
It’s easier for young adults to date online between school, work, and extracurricular activities.
Just before the 21st century, people criticized those using Match.com or any other online dating network. Now, Match.com is the most visited dating website in the United States.
“It’s not stigmatized behavior anymore, it’s recommended behavior,” said CSULB communications professor Ebony Utley. “Like Instagram – sliding into the DMs [direct messages], now that’s what you are supposed to do.”
Utley concentrates in hip-hop, popular culture and romantic relationships. She also teaches a graduate seminar on intimacy and technology.
Millennials like the convenience of apps, such as Tinder, and the almost unlimited selection of websites and candidates. Utley sees it as an “evolution of dating relationships.”
It’s more attractive because rejection isn’t so bad. People swipe to their heart’s content because it’s emotionally safe, she says.
“It’s not reducing our interpersonal communication skills, but it gives us less practice with rejection,” Utley said.
CSULB communications professor Stacy L. Young agrees. Interactions become more challenging for people when they meet face-to-face because they aren’t experienced with conversing in that way.
From Young’s studies in interpersonal rejection/unrequited love and relational conflict, she sees people fall into a trap of believing they know everything about another’s life based on social media posts.
But, online profiles can be misleading.
Individuals appreciate profiles with “warranting” value, CSULB graduate student Andrew Hiestand says. In this context, the value comes from seeing active evidence of friends, family, vacations, hobbies, etc. as opposed to a profile full of selfies.
He, specifically, researches online dating under the supervision of CSULB communications professor Jessica Abrams.
Hiestand met his girlfriend on OKCupid. He laughs, saying she had a negative impression of his profile picture at first, an individual picture of himself leaning against his car.
“People have the freedom to represent their ideal selves online, but it’s not intentionally deceptive,” Utley said.
Utley calls it “selective presentation,” where people put the best image of themselves forward.
Hiestand continues to study the credibility of dating profiles to other people.
“We are pushing off dating later and later in terms of looking for a serious relationship,” Hiestand said. “What is a serious relationship?”
Take second-year CSULB student Vienn Nong, for example. She is in a 10-month relationship with her boyfriend, but she met him while living on campus freshman year.
She used Tinder her senior year of high school. Four dates later, she stopped preferring meeting guys online.
“A lot of millennials use Tinder as a joke or just for fun,” Nong said. “They aren’t looking for long-term relationships.”
But Wang, emphasizing his studies in pop culture and new media, sees people’s perceptions of Tinder evolving.
“It acquired a reputation of a ‘hook-up app’ [at first],” he said. “[But it’s becoming] more of a conventional app rather than a hit-and-run.”
Online dating has also become a popular avenue for the LGBT community, as over 25 dating apps or websites have targeted this specific population.
Websites such as OKCupid, Chemistry, Match and BeNaughty, as well as apps such as Grindr, Tinder and Hornet, offer LGBT preferences that attract most users.
“They have a level of comfort from knowing that the people they are interacting with have similar goals,” Young said.
Utley observes this as “hyper-personal relationships.” Connections are sometimes stronger online than face to face because without the non-verbal disconnections between what you say and how your body responds, people assume you mean what you write online.
This leads to faster disclosure between people. It increases intimacy, creating these hyper-personal relationships.
“If I were face-to-face with you, I wouldn’t tell you all of my business,” said Utley, “but if we were online and I wanted you to like me, I would share more because it’s emotionally safe.”
But, sometimes relationships can be challenging online.
“If you want to have a good relationship you need to have as much face time as possible,” Young said. “I worry that people use social media to avoid face to face conversations.”
Nong described three of her four dates as awkward and nervous, compared to the relaxed persona they had through texts and Snapchats.
“I wish I could have experienced online dating more,” said Wang. “Even if I were single again now, I would try and online date.”
Dating sites are trying to perfect the “romance algorithm,” Wang calls it. They are trying to predict which characteristics will most likely match.
Online dating might not have won everyone over, but people are starting to recognize that the decline of asking each other out in person could be a problem.
“We don’t have that comfort anymore,” says Young. “It’s not the same from my generation where we would just expect it. The value [amongst millennials] is somewhere in between.”
Nong still finds the traditional ask more genuine.
However, sixty-two percent of Americans who have used online dating say it allows people to find a better match than meeting people in a conventional social setting, according to the Pew Research Center.
Young predicts conversations will increasingly begin online and apps and dating sites will become more specialized, targeting specific goals such as long-term or just for fun relationships.
“The stigma will continue to decrease,” Young said. “It will be a normal way of expanding our network.”
It’s definitely not going away.
Hiestand says the trend seems to be making connections as organic as possible.
“It’s not online versus real life, because online is real life,” said Utley.