Turkey, stuffing and the 5 things you should not discuss at the dinner table

Although the point of this holiday is to give thanks for all the good in your life, with that many people in one room and the possible presence of alcohol, things can go out of hand very quickly.

And like the part of the Bible that discusses Thanksgiving, it says, “When the alcohol starts uh-flowin, the mouth starts uh-goin.”

Therefore, staying away from hot topics might just be the key to surviving your psychotic family at the dinner table during next week’s holiday.

Here are five things you shouldn’t bring up in order to keep the peace:

1. Avoid all political conversations

You voted for President Obama, but your crazy aunt voted for Roseanne Barr. Avoid the “Once you go black, you never go back” statement you’ve been making ever since the president got reelected. Auntie’s passionate about Roseanne Barr. Her mind’s been made. Let it go.

2. Now is not the time to discuss religious differences

Your mom’s side is Christian, and your dad’s side is Jewish. Jew know what? Christians and Jews can both enjoy some turkey. Don’t start a conversation that can’t be finished.

3. Now is not the time to ask for a divorce

Wait until everyone has finished their meal and left before you ask your significant other to get the hell out of your house. It could make things very awkward if you do it during dinner.

4. Don’t criticize the food If you can’t tell if that’s gravy on your mashed potatoes, or if someone took a crap on your plate.

Chances are, neither can anyone else. The food has already been prepared. It’s too late to cook anything else. Just smile and pretend you enjoyed it.

5. Last, but not least: Now is not the time to tell everyone sitting around the table that your therapist says most of your problems are their fault. Most likely, you’ve contributed to their problems, too.

Thanksgiving isn’t a therapy session. It is the day when you can eat your feelings, despite what your therapist says. Anytime you feel the urge to go off on a loved one, just have seconds, have thirds– just make sure there’s enough food in that mouth, so that no one can understand what you’re saying. If all else fails, just remind yourself the sooner you’re done with Thanksgiving, the closer you are to Black Friday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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