The painful mystique that surrounds on-campus living is dead. Tucked away with VHS, analog television and dial-up Internet, dorm life is no longer something we can brag about surviving. The obnoxious roommates, cramped living spaces and community bathrooms are all gone. And to that we say good riddance.
Sure, dorm life used to be a welcomed right of passage; something we could tell our kids about. You’d think it would sadden us that stories about crazy roommates, moldy ceilings and smelly bathrooms would be left untold. However, we don’t see a point in bragging about our suffering because it’s 10 times better bragging about how we bypassed this “essential” part of college life.
According to a recent Chicago Tribune article, universities like Purdue and Arizona State have begun to invest in residence halls that would make the Hilton family proud. Maid service, climate control and roommate-free dorms are all part of the amenities available at these desecrations to humility.
Just like VHS, just like analog TV, just like dial-up Internet, shitty dorm life was just a right of passage for humanity in the Dark Ages; something we as a society had to get through before we moved on to bigger and better things.
So dry your eyes, fellow matriculates, there is no need to mourn the passing of this dinosaur. Seriously, we don’t want to hear any nostalgic bitching. We gain prosperity when we progress and change, and believe us when we say if this trend continues, college life will be luxurious.
The beauty of these new and improved residence halls is not limited to the spacious 140 square-foot bedrooms. It finds its way into “communal lounges.” These lounges boast, “47-inch flat-screen TVs, entertainment centers custom-designed by Amish carpenters, free Wi-Fi and kitchenettes with ceramic tile,” according to the Tribune.
Some even have a view. This semester, Boston University introduced a facility that overlooks the Charles River. This bad boy lays claim to large private bathrooms, walk-in closets, and a washer and dryer that alert students via computer when their laundry is dry.
When we said these residence halls would make the Hilton family proud, we weren’t kidding. There is a catch though — the price. At Purdue, living in one of these hotel/dorms costs about $5,000 more than typical room and board expenses.
No worries, though, because getting with the times is always expensive. Just like many before us had to shoulder insane prices for DVD players, HDTV and DSL, so shall we have to shoulder the price for the New Age college life. Pretty soon — at least we hope — this idea, just like HDTV, DSL and DVD players, will filter through the market, get cheaper and become available to the masses. When we say masses, we mean people without a trust fund.
We understand that many of us don’t like change — not only do we not like it, we fear it — but who can complain about this type of development. There is no honor in suffering through years of conventional dorm life. It is time to throw out the VHS, the old Zenith television, cancel your subscription with NetZero and move out of mom and dad’s dorm room.
However, if you attend Cal State Long Beach, don’t move out quite yet because the last time we checked there aren’t a large percentage of trust fund holders. Hey, at least you can go out and buy a DVD player or, if you’re really lucky, a Blu-ray player.