Of all the things I have an irrational hatred for, winter is near the top of the list. I’m not sure what exactly throws me into a rage about it. I looked up seasonal affective disorder, which Wikipedia refers to as “winter blues,” and that isn’t it. At no point under any of the symptoms does it mention a fantasy about lighting random things on fire just to stay warm.
After dodging that, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that winter is just the worst time of the year, and if you’re not already shaking your fist at old man winter, then keep reading, it gets a lot worse.
Winter freaking wonderland
Winter is the one time of the year when the depression of not seeing the sun as much and the aggression of having to buy crap for people you only see once a year mingle to form a brew of frozen mania, and tipping the scales are the Christmas songs. I was listening to KROQ and the song from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” comes on. But, I’ll take all the Christmas tunes in the world to avoid the damn cold and the people bitching about the cold.
For years I believed the pioneers fought their way across the American West, through dangerous mountains and legions of native peoples to find a place that was nice year round, and, lo and behold, they find California, a land of eternal sun. And yet — a measly four hundred years later — we have ski lodges.
Season of stop
All the fun stops when winter comes along. Barbeques become a thing of the past, shorts are discarded like helmets after a war and layers upon layers are wrapped around people’s bodies in a vain attempt to stay warm.
The best part of summer is that it’s nice enough to stay outdoors without a jacket and light enough that you don’t feel the need to sleep.
This next part is going to make me sound like a jerk but bear with me here. There is a mammal that suffers from constant low body temperature; the summer time is it’s only few months of relief before it goes into a shallow state of hibernation. We call them girls, and I’m sorry but I never, in almost a decade of dating, have had a girlfriend that looked forward to winter.
Women layer like they’ve just volunteered for a bomb disposal unit. Tights, jeans, sweatpants, more sweatpants, Uggs, and a turtle neck-bullet-proof-vest combination. All guys need is an old leather jacket that still has last month’s bar receipt in the pocket and we’re good to go.
The thing I neglected to mention was that winter means we are moving forward, and the future is an inherently good thing. New crap replaces the old crap. Winter means there is a chance to get away and never have to see the people you hate to see ever again. Winter is a chance to start over.
So, use this time to start over, pull tightly into your cocoon and when the warm lights of spring hit you, emerge as a better person. That’s the only gift I really need this year, however if you are going to offer up a bribe, I like gin.
David Cowan is a senior journalism major and the features editor for the Daily 49er.
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