The “fantasy” in fantasy football doesn’t get enough analysis. From early June through late December, men across this steak-eating nation yearn to escape their cubicles and nagging wives by pretending they manage gridiron greats. This is serious business in many circles, as millions of these brave men play for keeps.
I can’t lie; I am a member of the South Orange County Coastal Fantasy Football League. I believe we are going on our seventh year. No wonder I don’t have a girlfriend.
What is hilarious about many of these leagues is that they act as a final bastion for male bonding. Most of my buddies in the SOCCFFL are engaged, married or in a serious relationship, and they need some time away from the old ball-and-chain.
The locker room talk during the league draft gets absolutely out of control. With no women around to offend, the goal of each member is to talk shit to each other until we’re all blue in the face.
We did our draft online this year, so we dissed each other in a chat room until carpel tunnel syndrome developed.
How’s this for a mental picture; 10 men in their 30s, huddled together in a tiny backyard staring at laptops, typing — not talking — smack on each other. It’s a good thing that no girls were allowed to attend this raging good time.
Even the brief appearance by a female during draft day caused uproar. A few girlfriends/fiancées popped by during the heat of battle and the rat-a-tat typing noise sounded like an AK-47. There was a fiendish pleasure watching the guy’s expression as he returned from dealing with his chick to read all of the “chat smack” we’d written about him.
Where else in the world — besides a monastery — are a bunch of straight guys gathered together with absolutely no interest in having women around? How often is it that men surf the Net for hours on end, more concerned about picking up Adrian Petersen in the first round than checking out the new topless photo of Megan Fox?
Fantasy football is to bored men what World of Warcraft is to nerdy teenagers. It is an escape from women, who have confused and perplexed men since the beginning of time.
Men and women are different creatures; just as women love to have “spa days” filled with mimosas and girl talk, guys enjoy drinking beer and ripping on each other while watching football. Neither sex would have much fun in the other’s forum.
It makes sense that fantasy leagues exist because they incorporate two things that most men adore more than anything — football and gambling. So many “Average Joes” are forced into monotonous careers where they yearn to be noticed and significant. Fantasy football allows all participants, great and small, the opportunity to feel like a winner.
In that respect, maybe these leagues are good for male-female relationships. When a guy is happy, he gets along with his girl and doesn’t have to talk about his feelings. Dudes feel happy when they are the champions of their league, and portions of their winnings are often used to fund the aforementioned spa day for their girl.
Yes, fantasy football is a silly and childish escape that consumes more time than an insurance convention. But it ain’t no insurance convention and we’re happy to have an escape from the doldrums of life.
And ladies, googling fantasy football brings up 87,000,000 results, so get used to it being around for a while. To the future Mrs. Dunne, I apologize in advance.
Grady Dunne is a senior journalism major and the assistant opinions editor for the Summer Forty-Niner.
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