The Mayans — and film director Roland Emmerich — warned us.
“2012”, set to be released Nov. 13, will give us yet another view of the end-of-the-world motif from the guy who is the best director of the Doomsday genre. I am positive the film is going to be a fun roller coaster ride of destruction. Watching our cities and international hubs collapse under tidal waves and gigantic earthquakes is always exciting and somewhat eerie.
But what about the people who actually believe in this so called “prophecy” the Mayans knew about but the Johnny-come-latelys are just finding out about? Well, there’s not really much we can do about it. If the world is going to end in 2012, then we only have a few short years left.
This article is not about the few Arkansas backwoods weapon stockpilers who are waiting for the realization of Armageddon. It’s quite the contrary.
You might be surprised to hear that the Mayans made several lesser-known prophecies that don’t get the news coverage they deserve. After all, Doomsday takes precedence. Even still, I think the other prophecies are just as mind-blowing.
Feb. 5, 2012: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but according to the Mayans, the Oakland Raiders will actually be the champions of Super Bowl XLVI.
Amazingly, owner Al Davis will finally get his act together after 10 dry seasons with the Raiders and make use of his team’s early draft picks, giving “Raider Nation” something to cheer about.
No doubt this revelation will leave a bad taste in the mouths of most football fans, who find themselves wondering why the Raiders get to win the last Super Bowl before the world ends. It sucks, I know.
The Mayans also said 2013 would have been the season that an official NFL franchise finally made its way to Los Angeles but, unfortunately, it would be a day late and a dollar short, with the world ending and all. So that sucks, too.
April 13, 2012: President Obama, nearing the end of his first term as president, finally solves the financial crisis in the United States. The solution, according to ancient Mayan stone tablets, will be written on a White House cocktail napkin in 2010 but will be misplaced until 2012, when the president will finally act on it.
The Mayans noted this is actually the first solid thing that Obama would have accomplished in his presidency. Go figure. It only took four years for “change” to occur.
Nov. 6, 2012: The Mayans predicted even more political news. In an amazing turn of events, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will stage an amazing come-from-behind victory, becoming the 45th president of the U.S.
Despite Obama’s clear domination in the debates, Americans will decide that perhaps a soccer mom and assassin of wolves really is what the country needs.
The bad news, obviously, is that we will have a President Palin. The good news, however, is that the world will end before her inauguration. So really, this works out best for everyone.
Dec. 21, 2012: The Mayans saved perhaps the most stunning and tragic revelation for last. “Lost,” ABC’s drama about a group of plane crash survivors on a mysterious island, will finally be airing the series finale that fans of the show have been waiting eight seasons for.
The truly tragic part of this is that the end of the world will occur at the very moment all the secrets are set to be revealed. Naturally, all electrical power will be knocked out and Americans will sadly never know who Jacob really was, or what the true connection was between John Locke and the island.
I don’t know what’s worse; to have civilization — as we know it — meet its demise, or the fact that we will never know what the mysterious numbers on “Lost” meant. I suppose the end of the world can never come at a convenient time.
Gerry Wachovsky is a graduate student and columnist for the Daily 49er.