Golf has an etiquette system. Libraries do too, too. Why can’t there be a universal etiquette system for the homeless?
I realize that some people are down on their luck and in an economy as bad as ours, some people have to resort to extreme measures. But you know what? That’s really not my problem.
The homeless pandemic in America can only truly be changed for the better by the government. That being said, I’m not proposing a solution to it because I don’t know how to fix it. What I am proposing, however, is adoption of the following set of rules and etiquette that will make it easier for the more fortunate to coexist with the dregs of humanity.
First of all, no more standing inside of fast-food restaurants begging for someone to “spare a dollar”; and, yes, you read me right, inside of restaurants.
The other day my friend and I went to enjoy some Wendy’s on his lunch break. Just guess who was inside the restaurant waiting for us? Not the smiling employee eager to take our order, but a cockeyed, crazy, backpack-wearing vagrant who felt it necessary to bombard us with questions.
“How has your day been since yesterday?” the man inquired, staring at us out of the corner of his eye. Impossibly, this vagabond was looking in two different directions at the same time. The requisite follow-up came next: “I just lost my job, blah, blah, blah.” “And that is my fault how?” I thought.
Nothing kills a person’s appetite more than having their personal space invaded by homeless people while waiting in line to order food. Restaurant operators take note: Kick the homeless out of your establishments, for the love of all that is holy! Leaving them there is just bad business.
Secondly, homeless people need to stop offering up their back stories. For some reason, certain homeless people don’t understand that this isn’t an episode of “Lost”; I don’t need to know how your life intersected with bad luck leaving you in your current predicament.
Some people may think that I am being too harsh, but deep down most people feel the same way I do. I understand the concept of being nice to your fellow man, but if I politely decline to give the random mentally unstable and unmedicated homeless person pocket change, does this make me a bad person?
I don’t have extra pocket change for the random bum and, even if I did, it is still within my right to decline their open hand.
Finally, homeless people are not to be trusted. In fact, I don’t believe the majority of them are actually homeless. They’re obviously not driving around in Rolls Royces, but seeing the watch on the homeless man that confronted my friend and me at Wendy’s makes one wonder. Can we start a system of government-issued homeless identification cards so we can tell the bonafide homeless from their lying counterparts? Something needs to be done.
Every time I am confronted by a homeless person, I always think of the scene in “Liar, Liar” when Jim Carrey is asked to spare some change and he ends up throwing his hands to the heavens proclaiming, “I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of Western society!” Perhaps if homeless people started following the rules of etiquette detailed in this article, Jim Carrey’s wish could finally come true.
Gerry Wachovsky is a graduate student and columnist for the Daily 49er.
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